You Kill Me (0/10)
by Tony Medley
How bad is this film? At my
meagerly attended screening four critics scooted long before the end.
And they are paid to watch this stuff! Unfortunately, I wasn’t one of
Frank (Ben Kingsley) is a
Hit Man found only in Hollywood films, an introspective guy with
feelings. Here he lives in Buffalo and works for Mob boss Ramon (Philip
Baker Hall). He botches a hit on Ramon’s arch-rival Irish Mob boss
O’Leary (Dennis Farina) because he’s drunk and falls asleep. Ramon
banishes him to San Franciso (of all places) for a cure. There he falls
for Laurel (Tea Leoni).
In talented hands, this
might have the makings of a good comedy. Alas, in the hands of director
John Dahl and writers Christopher Markus & Stephen McFeeley it is one of
the worst films I’ve had to endure this year, and that’s saying a lot.
There is not an iota of
chemistry between Laurel and Frank. There is no reason why they should
be interested in one another. He’s old and ugly; she’s young and
moderately attractive. She does have a foul mouth and a personality that
would scare a rattlesnake.
I deplore critics who write
all the good lines from a film in their reviews. Since this film doesn’t
have any good lines, I’m going to reveal a couple of the lines that they
thought would be laughers and let you be the judge.
When Laurel and Frank first
meet, she says a couple of things intended as jokes and then gets an
expression on her face that says, as Senator Claghorn on radio’s Fred
Allen Show often warned, “That’s a joke, son, a joke that is.” Good
thing she telegraphs the idea because I sure didn’t think they were
Later, when Frank gets a
temporary job helping a mortician dress corpses, he looks at his first
corpse and says, “Now that is one good lookin’ dead man.”
Roman, says to his goombahs
to go get the “Greeks” to wipe out his rival, O’Leary. His goombahs come
back saying the Greeks don’t want to do it. Roman says, “F’ing Greeks.
Hey, they gave us democracy.”
Enough! I know what you’re
saying, “Why didn’t you leave when you had the chance?” As I was taught
to respond when I was in the Armed Forces, “No excuses!” But you have an
excuse. I warned you.
June 21, 2007