by Tony Medley
Runtime 117 minutes.
Not for children.
Corporate offices of Producer J. B. DeMille,
Hey, J.B., remember
J . B.
The TV show with the
babes with big bouncy boobs running in slow motion? Sure, I remember
Well, I’ve got a
Let’s make it into a
movie but cast flat-chested babes. We’ll get some Howard Hughes-type
enhancements that make them look like they’ve got some serious
Hmmm. I’ll have to
think about that. You mean no nudity; no nipples?
No, no; I certainly
don’t mean that! We won’t have any female nipples, of course, but we’ll
have lots of male nipples. In addition, we’ll insert some full frontal
That’s a great idea!
Here’s $15 million. Get it done.
Now I can’t swear
that this conversation actually took place, but something along those
lines must have occurred for this deplorable film to have been made.
What the TV show proved was that you could put big breasted babes on
television in skimpy bathing suits and have them run around in slow
motion with their breasts bouncing and people will watch, despite the
fact that the shows have no story, no writing, and actors who can’t act.
This was a show about breasts and skin, period. And it ran for 10 years
as one of the most watched shows of the ‘90s.
Fans of the show who
go to see this movie will be disappointed, however, because the only
bouncing breasts seen belong to star Dwayne Johnson. And the bare
breasts also include those of Zac Ephron, lots of shots of Zac
As to the story,
writing, and acting, not one of them makes an appearance, so it’s
faithful to the TV show, which starred David Hasselhof and Pamela
Anderson, neither of whom ever played Shakespeare so far as I know, but
both of whom make cameos here.
As an aside, when I
saw Zac in Me and Orson Welles (2008), I thought he had a lot of
promise. But then he started beefing up his physique and spending his
time making junk like Seth Rogen’s Neighbors films. Now this.
Maybe his performance in Me and Orson Welles was a outlier and he
has found his proper level.
If you want to see
lots of female boobs, stay home and watch American Hustle (2013)