by Tony Medley
At one point, Syd (Chris Evans)
says, “I just want something to turn the pain off. Give me something.” For
a brief moment I thought he must be sitting right next to me watching
feeling the same pain I was enduring having to sit through to the end of
this clunker and I almost said, “I know how to stop the pain; let’s get
This has several clues that it
stinks. The first comes within the opening 10 minutes when a woman comes
into a bathroom where two guys are snorting coke. She pulls down her
panties and urinates while carrying on a conversation with them. I’ve
never seen a movie that showed someone going to the bathroom that wasn’t
atrocious. For a woman to urinate in front of two men as if she were
sipping tea with them almost caused me to bolt right there.
At the end of the movie we are
forced to sit through what is apparently the theme song. The lyrics are,
“There’s nothing like you and I.” Sometimes a songwriter is lazy and is
stuck for a rhyme and opts for something ungrammatical like this. However,
the previous line is, “There’s nothing like you and I,” and the very next
line is, “There’s nothing like you and I.” So being stuck for a rhyme had
nothing to do with it. “There’s nothing like you and me” would work just
as well, and would have the extra added attraction that it is
grammatically correct. Apparently Crystal Magic, which takes credit for
the original music, is/are simply illiterate.
The third clue is that the “F”
word is used copiously. Everyone uses it. They use it in every sentence.
When a screenwriter inserts the “F” word throughout his script it
indicates to me that there are few other words he knows.
In between the bathroom scene
and the theme song, the story is about people who are on an equal
intellectual level. It’s supposed to be a love story between London
(Jennifer Biels) and Syd. But it’s impossible to determine why they are in
love. She gets mad because he never says “I love you.” They have
pseudo-intellectual conversations about the existence of God that is about
on the level of the second grade. There’s no discussion of causality and
the First Cause, or any of the other commonly proffered proofs of God’s
existence. Every time we see them together yell at each other and call
each other names. Oh, yeah, there is the scene that is now so common it is
de rigueur where they start fighting and end up having sex.
The setting for the movie is an
apartment belonging to the parents of 18-year-old friend of London’s to
celebrate London going away to live with her new boy friend. Syd crashes
the party and brings his drug dealer, Bateman (Jason Statham) along with
them. Syd and Bateman immediately go upstairs to the bathroom to snort
coke off of a van Gogh painting in the bathroom, where most of the film
The dialogue is straight out of
kindergarten. If this is a typical example of young people today, God help
us. Only 92 f---ing minutes long, you might be better f---ing advised to
go watch some f---ing clouds drifting by.
February 1, 2006